Mental Health Awareness Month

I know I don't have many followers yet on this blog.  Those that do, I really appreciate you!  As do the chickens, ducklings, and now GOSLINGS!  Yes, we added two goslings near the end of March and BOTH fell in love with the gosling life so much we brought three more home last week.  However this blog post isn't about them.  Ya'll know I will have a huge blog post on those cuties soon.  

Those that do read my blogs, I sincerely apologize for being absent the last month and a half/two months.  I promise it wasn't from laziness.  I do enjoy creating these blogs.  Of course I do....it means I get to talk about my favorite subjects- my chickens, my ducks, and reading.  This blog post isn't going to be as much fun but it will be informative.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  And I am going to be open.  Probably more open than I should be.  But I want people to know that they aren't alone.  I suffer and have suffered from mental health issues since I was in my early teens and I am now 40.  Yes, that is right. I turned 4-0 on March 15th. 

Around February I started to feel down.  The depression was starting to kick in.  I have suffered from bouts of depression for the last 30 years. So I know when they are starting to come on.  I also suffer from anxiety on a daily basis.  The closer my birthday got, the more depressed I became.  I can't quite put my finger on why I was so depressed.  Some of it was.... I don't feel as accomplished as my friends at 40.  I don't feel I am where I thought I would be at 40.  What have I missed out on in my 20s and 30s?  

The thing with depression is it is hard to see the positive over the negative.  I wasn't seeing the good that I have done in my life. The battles I have fought and won. And no matter how many pep talks, sweet amazing phone calls my best friend would make to talk me up....I was still depressed.  My PCP tried to change my meds.  Thinking the antidepressant had quit working so he moved me to a different one. Bless his heart, he really was trying so hard to help me. Which if you have ever been on antidepressants, you know the change of meds can cause even more issues.  

My tribe threw me an amazing surprise 40th birthday party.  I had a wonderful time. I cannot thank them enough for how fun and fantastic it was.  However I spent the next three days in bed crying.  I was 40.  And I had entered into the dark phase. 

If you don't suffer from depression you may never, and I hope you don't, ever enter the dark phase.  You don't want to eat, you don't want to talk to anyone, you want to sleep all the time, nothing seems happy, nothing is funny, everything you love means nothing to you anymore, even sometimes thoughts of not being on this earth anymore will creep into your head.  You will lay in bed crying for HOURS. You will not call anyone.  You will ignore calls. You will sleep. Sometimes you will self harm.  Being near anyone feels like a chore.  Including your loved ones.  You will feel like a burden to all. You will cry in the middle of the night. 

The month after my birthday was very, very rough.  Not only for myself but for my husband.  And my coworkers. And my best friends.  And I hope they know how very much I appreciate them for being there for me through all of this. While I was able to plaster a smile on my face for our patients, our family members who didn't see me every day, and the people in town.  Those closest to me knew I was not ok.  My husband took the brunt of it.  And there is no way I will ever repay him for everything he has done for me.  I would go home evenings just to sleep until dark, do chores, then go back to bed.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about my issues because I felt like too much of a burden. I disconnected from my life.  

I will not go in to specifics about every detail of what I have been going through because to me that is a bit too personal, I will let you know that depression is absolutely no joke. I made mistakes, said and did things I did not mean, there are thoughts and moments I wish I could take back, and honestly wish that I had listened sooner to my friends when they said I needed to see someone about my depression.  Because it is no way to live.  However, my husband told me something today, when I brought it up yet again, he said- we don't look back at the past, because we aren't going back there.  

As I am getting the help I need through a therapist and have my meds regulating.  I want to remind all of those around me who might be suffering from depression or anxiety or any other mental illness... YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There are people who care.  And there is help available to you.  And remember that you have already made it through 100% of your darkest days.  You can keep going.  

This was hard for me to put out there.  I don't tell a lot of people that I have depression or anxiety.  However, after what I just through.  I felt that it needed to be put out there that I am someone who will always sit and talk. Always listen if you are having a problem. 

I got a text last week about an old coworker/friend.  He had committed suicide.  He was such a great guy.  My heart goes out to his family and friends.  But one thing that came to mind for me was- I don't want my family or best friends getting that phone call.  So I have committed to making sure I work extra hard on my mental health.  I am reconnecting to my life. My friends. My family. The things I love. My little farm. The animals I love, that deserve for me to be at my absolute very best. I am committed to making my life be even better than it was before.  Because I deserve it. And because you know what, I have a pretty damn good life.  And I am very blessed to have it.   

So, please, friends.  Always remember you are not alone.  Be aware that Mental Health is an ongoing thing. No matter what age.  Always reach out for help if you feel yourself needing it.  

I saw a sign in the background of a Reel the other day that said this....

And I 100% believe it for EVERY SINGLE one of us. 

All my love,

JJ

PS We will be back soon with lots of pictures of the Chick Packs, Duck Nuggets, and Geesey Gang!